A MYSTERIOUS VISIT
The first notice that was taken of me when I "settled down" recently was by a gentleman who said he was an assessor, and connected with the U.S.
Internal Revenue Department.I said I had never heard of his branch of business before, but I was very glad to see him all the same.Would he sit down? He sat down.I did not know anything particular to say, and yet I felt that people who have arrived at the dignity of keeping house must be conversational, must be easy and sociable in company.So, in default of anything else to say, I asked him if he was opening his shop in our neighborhood.
He said he was.[I did not wish to appear ignorant, but I had hoped he would mention what he had for sale.]
I ventured to ask him "How was trade?" And he said "So-so."I then said we would drop in, and if we liked his house as well as any other, we would give him our custom.
He said he thought we would like his establishment well enough to confine ourselves to it--said he never saw anybody who would go off and hunt up another man in his line after trading with him once.
That sounded pretty complacent, but barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
I do not know how it came about exactly, but gradually we appeared to melt down and run together, conversationally speaking, and then everything went along as comfortably as clockwork.
We talked, and talked, and talked--at least I did; and we laughed, and laughed, and laughed--at least he did.But all the time I had my presence of mind about me--I had my native shrewdness turned on "full head," as the engineers say.I was determined to find out all about his business in spite of his obscure answers--and I was determined I would have it out of him without his suspecting what I was at.I meant to trap him with a deep, deep ruse.I would tell him all about my own business, and he would naturally so warm to me during this seductive burst of confidence that he would forget himself, and tell me all about his affairs before he suspected what I was about.I thought to myself, My son, you little know what an old fox you are dealing with.I said:
"Now you never would guess what I made lecturing this winter and last spring?""No--don't believe I could, to save me.Let me see--let me see.About two thousand dollars, maybe? But no; no, sir, I know you couldn't have made that much.Say seventeen hundred, maybe?""Ha! ha! I knew you couldn't.My lecturing receipts for last spring and this winter were fourteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars.What do you think of that?""Why, it is amazing-perfectly amazing.I will make a note of it.And you say even this wasn't all?""All! Why bless you, there was my income from the Daily Warwhoop for four months--about--about--well, what should you say to about eight thousand dollars, for instance?""Say! Why, I should say I should like to see myself rolling in just such another ocean of affluence.Eight thousand! I'll make a note of it.
Why man! --and on top of all this am I to understand that you had still more income?""Ha! ha! ha! Why, you're only in the suburbs of it, so to speak.
There's my book, The Innocents Abroad price $3.50 to $5, according to the binding.Listen to me.Look me in the eye.During the last four months and a half, saying nothing of sales before that, but just simply during the four months and a half, we've sold ninety-five thousand copies of that book.Ninety-five thousand! Think of it.Average four dollars a copy, say.It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars, my son.I get half.""The suffering Moses! I'll set that down.Fourteen-seven-fifty--eight-two hundred.Total, say--well, upon my word, the grand total is about two hundred and thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars! Is that possible?""Possible! If there's any mistake it's the other way.Two hundred and fourteen thousand, cash, is my income for this year if I know how to cipher."Then the gentleman got up to go.It came over me most uncomfortably that maybe I had made my revelations for nothing, besides being flattered into stretching them considerably by the stranger's astonished exclamations.
But no; at the last moment the gentleman handed me a large envelope, and said it contained his advertisement; and that I would find out all about his business in it; and that he would be happy to have my custom-would, in fact, be proud to have the custom of a man of such prodigious income;and that he used to think there were several wealthy men in the city, but when they came to trade with him he discovered that they barely had enough to live on; and that, in truth, it had been such a weary, weary age since he had seen a rich man face to face, and talked to him, and touched him with his hands, that he could hardly refrain from embracing me--in fact, would esteem it a great favor if I would let him embrace me.
