General handshaking,Broadbent shaking hands with everybody effusively.He accompanies them to the garden and can be heard outside saying Goodnight in every inflexion known to parliamentary candidates.Nora,Aunt Judy,Keegan,Larry,and Cornelius are left in the parlor.Larry goes to the threshold and watches the scene in the garden.
NORA.It's a shame to make game of him like that.He's a gradle more good in him than Barney Doran.
CORNELIUS.It's all up with his candidature.He'll be laughed out o the town.
LARRY [turning quickly from the doorway].Oh no he won't:he's not an Irishman.He'll never know they're laughing at him;and while they're laughing he'll win the seat.
CORNELIUS.But he can't prevent the story getting about.
LARRY.He won't want to.He'll tell it himself as one of the most providential episodes in the history of England and Ireland.
AUNT JUDY.Sure he wouldn't make a fool of himself like that.
LARRY.Are you sure he's such a fool after all,Aunt Judy?
Suppose you had a vote!which would you rather give it to?the man that told the story of Haffigan's pig Barney Doran's way or Broadbent's way?
AUNT JUDY.Faith I wouldn't give it to a man at all.It's a few women they want in parliament to stop their foolish blather.
BROADBENT [bustling into the room,and taking off his damaged motoring overcoat,which he put down on the sofa].Well,that's over.I must apologize for making that speech,Miss Doyle;but they like it,you know.Everything helps in electioneering.
Larry takes the chair near the door;draws it near the table;and sits astride it,with his elbows folded on the back.
AUNT JUDY.I'd no notion you were such an orator,Mr Broadbent.
BROADBENT.Oh,it's only a knack.One picks it up on the platform.It stokes up their enthusiasm.
AUNT JUDY.Oh,I forgot.You've not met Mr Keegan.Let me introjooce you.
BROADBENT [shaking hands effusively].Most happy to meet you,Mr Keegan.I have heard of you,though I have not had the pleasure of shaking your hand before.And now may I ask you--for I value no man's opinion more--what you think of my chances here.
KEEGAN [coldly].Your chances,sir,are excellent.You will get into parliament.
BROADBENT [delighted].I hope so.I think so.[Fluctuating]You really think so?You are sure you are not allowing your enthusiasm for our principles to get the better of your judgment?
KEEGAN.I have no enthusiasm for your principles,sir.You will get into parliament because you want to get into it badly enough to be prepared to take the necessary steps to induce the people to vote for you.That is how people usually get into that fantastic assembly.
BROADBENT [puzzled].Of course.[Pause].Quite so.[Pause].Er--yes.[Buoyant again]I think they will vote for me.Eh?Yes?
AUNT JUDY.Arra why shouldn't they?Look at the people they DOvote for!
BROADBENT [encouraged].That's true:that's very true.When I see the windbags,the carpet-baggers,the charlatans,the--the--the fools and ignoramuses who corrupt the multitude by their wealth,or seduce them by spouting balderdash to them,I cannot help thinking that an honest man with no humbug about him,who will talk straight common sense and take his stand on the solid ground of principle and public duty,must win his way with men of all classes.
KEEGAN [quietly].Sir:there was a time,in my ignorant youth,when I should have called you a hypocrite.
BROADBENT [reddening].A hypocrite!
NORA [hastily].Oh I'm sure you don't think anything of the sort,Mr Keegan.
BROADBENT [emphatically].Thank you,Miss Reilly:thank you.
CORNELIUS [gloomily].We all have to stretch it a bit in politics:hwat's the use o pretendin we don't?
BROADBENT [stiffly].I hope I have said or done nothing that calls for any such observation,Mr Doyle.If there is a vice Idetest--or against which my whole public life has been a protest--it is the vice of hypocrisy.I would almost rather be inconsistent than insincere.
KEEGAN.Do not be offended,sir:I know that you are quite sincere.There is a saying in the Scripture which runs--so far as the memory of an oldish man can carry the words--Let not the right side of your brain know what the left side doeth.I learnt at Oxford that this is the secret of the Englishman's strange power of making the best of both worlds.
BROADBENT.Surely the text refers to our right and left hands.Iam somewhat surprised to hear a member of your Church quote so essentially Protestant a document as the Bible;but at least you might quote it accurately.
LARRY.Tom:with the best intentions you're making an ass of yourself.You don't understand Mr Keegan's peculiar vein of humor.
BROADBENT [instantly recovering his confidence].Ah!it was only your delightful Irish humor,Mr Keegan.Of course,of course.How stupid of me!I'm so sorry.[He pats Keegan consolingly on the back].John Bull's wits are still slow,you see.Besides,calling me a hypocrite was too big a joke to swallow all at once,you know.
KEEGAN.You must also allow for the fact that I am mad.
NORA.Ah,don't talk like that,Mr Keegan.
BROADBENT [encouragingly].Not at all,not at all.Only a whimsical Irishman,eh?
LARRY.Are you really mad,Mr Keegan?
AUNT JUDY [shocked].Oh,Larry,how could you ask him such a thing?
LARRY.I don't think Mr Keegan minds.[To Keegan]What's the true version of the story of that black man you confessed on his deathbed?
KEEGAN.What story have you heard about that?
LARRY.I am informed that when the devil came for the black heathen,he took off your head and turned it three times round before putting it on again;and that your head's been turned ever since.
NORA [reproachfully].Larry!
