"Who the thunder,and the blazes,and other things told you to do that?"The squad looked bewildered,but said nothing,and were brought back to the place where they were before.A minute later precisely the same thing occurred again.I really thought the sergeant would burst.I was preparing to hasten to the barracks for medical aid.
But the paroxysm passed.Calling upon the combined forces of heaven and hell to sustain him in his trouble,he requested his squad,as man to man,to inform him of the reason why to all appearance they were dispensing with his services and drilling themselves.
At this moment "Columbus"barked again,and the explanation came to him.
"Please go away,sir,"he requested me."How can I exercise my men with that dog of yours interfering every five minutes?"It was not only on that occasion.It happened at other times.The dog seemed to understand and take a pleasure in it.Sometimes meeting a soldier,walking with his sweetheart,Columbus,from behind my legs,would bark suddenly.Immediately the man would let go the girl and proceed,involuntarily,to perform military tricks.
The War Office authorities accused me of having trained the dog.Ihad not trained him:that was his natural voice.I suggested to the War Office authorities that instead of quarrelling with my dog for talking his own language,they should train their sergeants to use English.
They would not see it.Unpleasantness was in the air,and,living where I did at the time,I thought it best to part with Columbus.Icould see what the War Office was driving at,and I did not desire that responsibility for the inefficiency of the British Army should be laid at my door.
Some twenty years ago we,in London,were passing through a riotous period,and a call was made to law-abiding citizens to enrol themselves as special constables.I was young,and the hope of trouble appealed to me more than it does now.In company with some five or six hundred other more or less respectable citizens,I found myself one Sunday morning in the drill yard of the Albany Barracks.
It was the opinion of the authorities that we could guard our homes and protect our wives and children better if first of all we learned to roll our "eyes right"or left at the given word of command,and to walk with our thumbs stuck out.Accordingly a drill sergeant was appointed to instruct us on these points.He came out of the canteen,wiping his mouth and flicking his leg,according to rule,with the regulation cane.But,as he approached us,his expression changed.We were stout,pompous-looking gentlemen,the majority of us,in frock coats and silk hats.The sergeant was a man with a sense of the fitness of things.The idea of shouting and swearing at us fell from him:and that gone there seemed to be no happy medium left to him.The stiffness departed from his back.He met us with a defferential attitude,and spoke to us in the language of social intercourse.
"Good morning,gentlemen,"said the sergeant.
"Good morning,"we replied:and there was a pause.
The sergeant fidgetted upon his feet.We waited.
"Well,now,gentlemen,"said the sergeant,with a pleasant smile,"what do you say to falling in?"We agreed to fall in.He showed us how to do it.He cast a critical eye along the back of our rear line.
"A little further forward,number three,if you don't mind,sir,"he suggested.
Number three,who was an important-looking gentleman,stepped forward.
The sergeant cast his critical eye along the front of the first line.
"A little further back,if you don't mind,sir,"he suggested,addressing the third gentleman from the end.
"Can't,"explained the third gentleman,"much as I can do to keep where I am."The sergeant cast his critical eye between the lines.
"Ah,"said the sergeant,"a little full-chested,some of us.We will make the distance another foot,if you please,gentlemen."In pleasant manner,like to this,the drill proceeded.
"Now then,gentlemen,shall we try a little walk?Quick march!
Thank you,gentlemen.Sorry to trouble you,but it may be necessary to run--forward I mean,of course.So if you really do not mind,we will now do the double quick.Halt!And if next time you can keep a little more in line--it has a more imposing appearance,if you understand me.The breathing comes with practice."If the thing must be done at all,why should it not be done in this way?Why should not the sergeant address the new recruits politely:
