"Yes, my elder sends me out into the world.""We shall see each other then in the world.We shall meet before Iam thirty, when I shall begin to turn aside from the cup.Father doesn't want to turn aside from his cup till he is seventy, he dreams of hanging on to eighty in fact, so he says.He means it only too seriously, though he is a buffoon.He stands on a firm rock, too, he stands on his sensuality though after we are thirty, indeed, there may be nothing else to stand on....But to hang on to seventy is nasty, better only to thirty; one might retain 'a shadow of nobility' by deceiving oneself.Have you seen Dmitri to-day?""No, but I saw Smerdyakov," and Alyosha rapidly, though minutely, described his meeting with Smerdyakov.Ivan began listening anxiously and questioned him.
"But he begged me not to tell Dmitri that he had told me about him," added Alyosha.Ivan frowned and pondered.
"Are you frowning on Smerdyakov's account?" asked Alyosha.
"Yes, on his account.Damn him, I certainly did want to see Dmitri, but now there's no need," said Ivan reluctantly.
"But are you really going so soon, brother?""What of Dmitri and father? how will it end?" asked Alyosha anxiously.
"You are always harping upon it! What have I to do with it? Am Imy brother Dmitri's keeper?" Ivan snapped irritably, but then he suddenly smiled bitterly."Cain's answer about his murdered brother, wasn't it? Perhaps that's what you're thinking at this moment? Well damn it all, I can't stay here to be their keeper, can I? I've finished what I had to do, and I am going.Do you imagine I am jealous of Dmitri, that I've been trying to steal his beautiful Katerina Ivanovna for the last three months? Nonsense, I had business of my own.I finished it.I am going.I finished it just now, you were witness.""At Katerina Ivanovna's?"
"Yes, and I've released myself once for all.And after all, what have I to do with Dmitri? Dmitri doesn't come in.I had my own business to settle with Katerina Ivanovna.You know, on the contrary, that Dmitri behaved as though there was an understanding between us.I didn't ask to do it, but he solemnly handed her over to me and gave us his blessing.It's all too funny.Ah, Alyosha, if you only knew how light my heart is now! Would you believe it, I sat here eating my dinner and was nearly ordering champagne to celebrate my first hour of freedom.Tfoo! It's been going on nearly six months, and all at once I've thrown it off.I could never have guessed even yesterday, how easy it would be to put an end to it if I wanted.""You are speaking of your love, Ivan?"
"Of my love, if you like.I fell in love with the young lady, Iworried myself over her and she worried me.I sat watching over her...
and all at once it's collapsed! I spoke this morning with inspiration, but I went away and roared with laughter.Would you believe it? Yes, it's the literal truth.""You seem very merry about it now," observed Alyosha, looking into his face, which had suddenly grown brighter.
"But how could I tell that I didn't care for her a bit! Ha ha!
It appears after all I didn't.And yet how she attracted me! How attractive she was just now when I made my speech! And do you know she attracts me awfully even now, yet how easy it is to leave her.Do you think I am boasting?""No, only perhaps it wasn't love."
"Alyosha," laughed Ivan, "don't make reflections about love, it's unseemly for you.How you rushed into the discussion this morning! I've forgotten to kiss you for it....But how she tormented me! It certainly was sitting by a 'laceration.' Ah, she knew how Iloved her! She loved me and not Dmitri," Ivan insisted gaily."Her feeling for Dmitri was simply a self-laceration.All I told her just now was perfectly true, but the worst of it is, it may take her fifteen or twenty years to find out that she doesn't care for Dmitri, and loves me whom she torments, and perhaps she may never find it out at all, in spite of her lesson to-day.Well, it's better so;I can simply go away for good.By the way, how is she now? What happened after I departed?"Alyosha told him she had been hysterical, and that she was now, he heard, unconscious and delirious.
"Isn't Madame Hohlakov laying it on?"
"I think not."
"I must find out.Nobody dies of hysterics, though.They don't matter.God gave woman hysterics as a relief.I won't go to her at all.Why push myself forward again?""But you told her that she had never cared for you.""I did that on purpose.Alyosha, shall I call for some champagne? Let us drink to my freedom.Ah, if only you knew how glad Iam!"
"No, brother, we had better not drink," said Alyosha suddenly.
"Besides I feel somehow depressed."
"Yes, you've been depressed a long time, I've noticed it.""Have you settled to go to-morrow morning, then?""Morning? I didn't say I should go in the morning....But perhaps it may be the morning.Would you believe it, I dined here to-day only to avoid dining with the old man, I loathe him so.Ishould have left long ago, so far as he is concerned.But why are you so worried about my going away? We've plenty of time before Igo, an eternity!"
"If you are going away to-morrow, what do you mean by an eternity?""But what does it matter to us?" laughed Ivan."We've time enough for our talk, for what brought us here.Why do you look so surprised? Answer: why have we met here? To talk of my love for Katerina Ivanovna, of the old man and Dmitri? of foreign travel? of the fatal position of Russia? of the Emperor Napoleon? Is that it?""No."
"Then you know what for.It's different for other people; but we in our green youth have to settle the eternal questions first of all.That's what we care about.Young Russia is talking about nothing but the eternal questions now.just when the old folks are all taken up with practical questions.Why have you been looking at me in expectation for the last three months? To ask me, 'What do you believe, or don't you believe at all?' That's what your eyes have been meaning for these three months, haven't they?""Perhaps so," smiled Alyosha."You are not laughing at me, now, Ivan?
