Brighton-Pomfrey towards the Serpentine he acted that stormy interview with Lady Sunderbund over again.At the end, as a condition indeed of his departure, he had left things open.He had assented to certain promises.He was to make her understand better what it was he needed.He was not to let anything that had happened affect that "spi'tual f'enship." She was to abandon all her plans, she was to begin again "at the ve'y beginning."But he knew that indeed there should be no more beginning again with her.He knew that quite beyond these questions of the organization of a purified religion, it was time their association ended.She had wept upon him; she had clasped both his hands at parting and prayed to be forgiven.She was drawing him closer to her by their very dissension.She had infected him with the softness of remorse; from being a bright and spirited person, she had converted herself into a warm and touching person.Her fine, bright black hair against his cheek and the clasp of her hand on his shoulder was now inextricably in the business.The perplexing, the astonishing thing in his situation was that there was still a reluctance to make a conclusive breach.
He was not the first of men who have tried to find in vain how and when a relationship becomes an entanglement.He ought to break off now, and the riddle was just why he should feel this compunction in breaking off now.He had disappointed her, and he ought not to have disappointed her; that was the essential feeling.He had never realized before as he realized now this peculiar quality of his own mind and the gulf into which it was leading him.It came as an illuminating discovery.
He was a social animal.He had an instinctive disposition to act according to the expectations of the people about him, whether they were reasonable or congenial expectations or whether they were not.That, he saw for the first time, had been the ruling motive of his life; it was the clue to him.Man is not a reasonable creature; he is a socially responsive creature trying to be reasonable in spite of that fact.From the days in the rectory nursery when Scrope had tried to be a good boy on the whole and just a little naughty sometimes until they stopped smiling, through all his life of school, university, curacy, vicarage and episcopacy up to this present moment, he perceived now that he had acted upon no authentic and independent impulse.
His impulse had always been to fall in with people and satisfy them.And all the painful conflicts of those last few years had been due to a growing realization of jarring criticisms, of antagonized forces that required from him incompatible things.
From which he had now taken refuge--or at any rate sought refuge--in God.It was paradoxical, but manifestly in God he not only sank his individuality but discovered it.
It was wonderful how much he had thought and still thought of the feelings and desires of Lady Sunderbund, and how little he thought of God.Her he had been assiduously propitiating, managing, accepting, for three months now.Why? Partly because she demanded it, and there was a quality in her demand that had touched some hidden spring--of vanity perhaps it was--in him, that made him respond.But partly also it was because after the evacuation of the palace at Princhester he had felt more and more, felt but never dared to look squarely in the face, the catastrophic change in the worldly circumstances of his family.
Only this chapel adventure seemed likely to restore those fallen and bedraggled fortunes.He had not anticipated a tithe of the dire quality of that change.They were not simply uncomfortable in the Notting Hill home.They were miserable.He fancied they looked to him with something between reproach and urgency.Why had he brought them here? What next did he propose to do? He wished at times they would say it out instead of merely looking it.Phoebe's failing appetite chilled his heart.
That concern for his family, he believed, had been his chief motive in clinging to Lady Sunderbund's projects long after he had realized how little they would forward the true service of God.No doubt there had been moments of flattery, moments of something, something rather in the nature of an excited affection; some touch of the magnificent in her, some touch of the infantile,--both appealed magnetically to his imagination;but the real effective cause was his habitual solicitude for his wife and children and his consequent desire to prosper materially.As his first dream of being something between Mohammed and Peter the Hermit in a new proclamation of God to the world lost colour and life in his mind, he realized more and more clearly that there was no way of living in a state of material prosperity and at the same time in a state of active service to God.The Church of the One True God (by favour of Lady Sunderbund) was a gaily-coloured lure.
And yet he wanted to go on with it.All his imagination and intelligence was busy now with the possibility of in some way subjugating Lady Sunderbund, and modifying her and qualifying her to an endurable proposition.Why?
Why?
There could be but one answer, he thought.Brought to the test of action, he did not really believe in God! He did not believe in God as he believed in his family.He did not believe in the reality of either his first or his second vision; they had been dreams, autogenous revelations, exaltations of his own imaginations.These beliefs were upon different grades of reality.Put to the test, his faith in God gave way; a sword of plaster against a reality of steel.
And yet he did believe in God.He was as persuaded that there was a God as he was that there was another side to the moon.His intellectual conviction was complete.Only, beside the living, breathing--occasionally coughing--reality of Phoebe, God was something as unsubstantial as the Binomial Theorem....
Very like the Binomial Theorem as one thought over that comparison.
