She was heviest onter me the fust yeer I ever owned a Umbrellar.Iwas going on 18 yeer old then, and praid for rane as bad as any dride-up farmer.I wantid to show that umBrellar--I wantid to mak sum persnul apeerents with that brellar--I desirud Jim parker and Hiram Goss to witness the site--I felt my birthWrite was bowned up in that brellar--I wantid to be a MAN!
I'd un-hook'd frum Betsy Jain fur a spell--(canfidenshal, leastways, I hadn't commenced cortin up to her rite down in ernest then)--and kum evenin I went over to the Widder Blakes.I'd the umBrellar along, and opun'd it outside the door--pretendin I couldn't klose it like, so that the dawter could hev a good Luke at my property.But it wuz no use; the new Brellar didn't take, and Sally sed she thort I"needn't cum agin !"
I hev bin many wheres, and seen sum few in this erthly Tavernknuckle, but ov all the solum hours I ever speeriunsed the 1 ockepied in going hum that partickler nite frum the Widders was the most solumm.
I'd a mind to throw awa that Brellar more'n onct as I went along.
7.18.AN AFFECTING POEM.
"POOR Jonathan Snow Away did go All on the ragen mane, With other males, All for to ketch wales, & nere come back agen.
The wind bloo high, The billers tost, All hands were lost, And he was one, A spritely lad, Nigh 21."7.19.MORMON BILL OF FARE
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S HOUSES.
BRIGHAM'S Wives live in these houses.They live well at Brigham's, the following being the usual BILL OF FARE.
SOUPS, ETC.
Matrimonial Stews (with pretty Pickles).
FISH.
Salt Lake Gudgeon.
ROAST.
Brigham's Lambs (Sauce piquante).
Minced Heart (Mormon style).
BROILED.
Domestic Broils (Family style)
ENTREES.
Little Deers.
COLD.
Raw Dog (a la Injun).
Tongue (lots of it).
VEGETABLES.
Cabbage-head, Some Pumpkins, &c.
DESSERT.
Apples of Discord, a great many Pairs;
Mormon Sweet-Hearts, Jumbles, &c.
7.20."THE BABES IN THE WOOD."
[The following amusing critique or report of Artemus Ward's favourite lecture entitled "The Babes in the wood" was written the day after its first delivery in San Francisco, California, by one of the contributors to the Golden Era.As an imitation of A.Ward's burlesque orthography it is somewhat overdone; but it has, nevertheless, certain touches of humour which will amuse the English reader.Why the lecture is called "The Babes in the Wood" is not known, unless it is because they are WARDS.-- ED.]
Nite befoar larst was an Erer in the annals of Sand Francisco; yis, an Erer; I sa it, and I guess I know what a Erer is! I gess I do!
It's something like this noosepaper, for instance; something that's gut a big Injin onto it; though the Big Injin Fryday Nite had his close on, which this moril Jernal's Injin hasn't, bein intended to represent that nobil read man of the forrist, of hoom the poet sweetly sings:
"Low, the poor Injin! hoose untootered mind Clothes him in frunt--Butt leaves him bare behind!"However, let that parse.
I hearn thare was to be a show up to Mr Platt's Haul on the occashun allewded to; so I took Maria An an' the children--with the excepshun of the smollest wun, which, under the inflewence of tired Nachure's sweet restorer, Missis Winslow's Soothin Syrup, was rapped in barmy slumbers--up to prayer meetin; and after havin excoosed myself to the pardner of my boosom, on the plee of havin swallered a boks of Bristol's Sugar-Coated Pills, I slipt out and went down to the Haul, thinkin I would have a little relaxation.Prubably Mariar An thought so too.(That are a double entender, but I didn't intend it.)Although I arrove quite airly, I found a few Individools I mean to sa I found but few who ware not--already in the Haul.I would not on no account whatsumdever, no how you can fix it, deceeve nobody nor nothin', for I am a pieus man, and send my wife to church, and addhere to the trooth; and yit, I ventoor to assurt, that I never in all my born dase beheld so menny fokes befoar--stop, I er slitely-- Ihad a seat in the rear.
It seemed as tho the hole populashun had turned out en massy to welcum the gratist wit of his age.--He is older than me.
The curtin roze--no, I do not desire to misrepresent fax--there was no curtin--I think thare should have bin!
The lectoor commenced at a few minutes past ate--precisely.The gay and gifted Artemus stepped to his place, and after acknowledging my presence by a polite bow, prooeeded to define the platform on which he stood--Oregon pine.The papers, with thare usuil fidelity to fax, had stated that the entertainment would consist only of a lectoor, &that the kangaroo & wax-figgers would not be introdooced--"dooced queer," thinks I, and I soon discovered the telegram; for Mr.Ward used a number of figgers--of speech.
Thare ware also severeil animils thare, thare was, tho I don't know whether they belonged to him, as they was scattered thro the ordgunce, and was boysterous to a degre--yis, two degrese.
Some of the funniest of the fundymentall principles of the lectoor escaped me--rather I escaped them--partly owin to the fokes squeeging in at the dore, and partly owin to a pretty but frail gurl wayin all the way from 200 up to 250 lbs.avoirdoopois, which sot herself rite onto my lap.
Mr Ward statid that he would not give a fillosoffical lectoor--nor an astronomical lectoor--nor--did he say what kind of lectoor he would give.The subjec was, however, the "Babes in the Wood." He has had the Babes in the Wood sum time.Mr.Ward is not rich--but is doin--as well as could be expected.
It is one of the lectoors you read about, you know--here.Yis, I sa it's a great moril lectoor; I sa it boldly, because I've heerd--of it.
