`Yes, I know.I felt I'd done with it all.'
They went and sat down on the roots of the trees, in the shadow.And being silent, he remembered the beauty of her eyes, which were sometimes filled with light, like spring, suffused with wonderful promise.So he said to her, slowly, with difficulty:
`There is a golden light in you, which I wish you would give me.' It was as if he had been thinking of this for some time.
She was startled, she seemed to leap clear of him.Yet also she was pleased.
`What kind of a light,' she asked.
But he was shy, and did not say any more.So the moment passed for this time.And gradually a feeling of sorrow came over her.
`My life is unfulfilled,' she said.
`Yes,' he answered briefly, not wanting to hear this.
`And I feel as if nobody could ever really love me,' she said.
But he did not answer.
`You think, don't you,' she said slowly, `that I only want physical things? It isn't true.I want you to serve my spirit.'
`I know you do.I know you don't want physical things by themselves.
But, I want you to give me -- to give your spirit to me -- that golden light which is you -- which you don't know -- give it me --'
After a moment's silence she replied:
`But how can I, you don't love me! You only want your own ends.You don't want to serve me , and yet you want me to serve you.It is so one-sided!'
It was a great effort to him to maintain this conversation, and to press for the thing he wanted from her, the surrender of her spirit.
`It is different,' he said.`The two kinds of service are so different.
I serve you in another way -- not through yourself -- somewhere else.But I want us to be together without bothering about ourselves --to be really together because we are together, as if it were a phenomenon, not a not a thing we have to maintain by our own effort.'
`No,' she said, pondering.`You are just egocentric.You never have any enthusiasm, you never come out with any spark towards me.You want yourself, really, and your own affairs.And you want me just to be there, to serve you.'
But this only made him shut off from her.
`Ah well,' he said, `words make no matter, any way.The thing is between us, or it isn't.'
`You don't even love me,' she cried.
`I do,' he said angrily.`But I want --' His mind saw again the lovely golden light of spring transfused through her eyes, as through some wonderful window.And he wanted her to be with him there, in this world of proud indifference.But what was the good of telling her he wanted this company in proud indifference.What was the good of talking, any way? It must happen beyond the sound of words.It was merely ruinous to try to work her by conviction.This was a paradisal bird that could never be netted, it must fly by itself to the heart.
`I always think I am going to be loved -- and then I am let down.You don't love me, you know.You don't want to serve me.You only want yourself.'
A shiver of rage went over his veins, at this repeated: `You don't want to serve me.' All the paradisal disappeared from him.
`No,' he said, irritated, `I don't want to serve you, because there is nothing there to serve.What you want me to serve, is nothing, mere nothing.It isn't even you, it is your mere female quality.And I wouldn't give a straw for your female ego -- it's a rag doll.'
`Ha!' she laughed in mockery.`That's all you think of me, is it? And then you have the impudence to say you love me.'
She rose in anger, to go home.
You want the paradisal unknowing,' she said, turning round on him as he still sat half-visible in the shadow.`I know what that means, thank you.You want me to be your thing, never to criticise you or to have anything to say for myself.You want me to be a mere thing for you! No thank you! If you want that, there are plenty of women who will give it to you.There are plenty of women who will lie down for you to walk over them -- go to them then, if that's what you want -- go to them.'
`No,' he said, outspoken with anger.`I want you to drop your assertive will, your frightened apprehensive self-insistence, that is what I want.I want you to trust yourself so implicitly, that you can let yourself go.'
`Let myself go!' she re-echoed in mockery.` I can let myself go, easily enough.It is you who can't let yourself go, it is you who hang on to yourself as if it were your only treasure.You -- you are the Sunday school teacher -- You -- you preacher.'
The amount of truth that was in this made him stiff and unheeding of her.
`I don't mean let yourself go in the Dionysic ecstatic way,' he said.
`I know you can do that.But I hate ecstasy, Dionysic or any other.It's like going round in a squirrel cage.I want you not to care about yourself, just to be there and not to care about yourself, not to insist -- be glad and sure and indifferent.'
`Who insists?' she mocked.`Who is it that keeps on insisting? It isn't me! '
There was a weary, mocking bitterness in her voice.He was silent for some time.
`I know,' he said.`While ever either of us insists to the other, we are all wrong.But there we are, the accord doesn't come.'
They sat in stillness under the shadow of the trees by the bank.The night was white around them, they were in the darkness, barely conscious.
Gradually, the stillness and peace came over them.She put her hand tentatively on his.Their hands clasped softly and silently, in peace.
`Do you really love me?' she said.
He laughed.
`I call that your war-cry,' he replied, amused.
`Why!' she cried, amused and really wondering.
`Your insistence -- Your war-cry -- "A Brangwen, A Brangwen" -- an old battle-cry.Yours is, "Do you love me? Yield knave, or die." '
`No,' she said, pleading, `not like that.Not like that.But I must know that you love me, mustn't I?'
`Well then, know it and have done with it.'
`But do you?'
`Yes, I do.I love you, and I know it's final.It is final, so why say any more about it.'
She was silent for some moments, in delight and doubt.
`Are you sure?' she said, nestling happily near to him.
`Quite sure -- so now have done -- accept it and have done.'
She was nestled quite close to him.
`Have done with what?' she murmured, happily.
`With bothering,' he said.
