`I couldn't love you, ' she said, with stark cold truth.
A blinding flash went over his brain, his body jolted.His heart had burst into flame.His consciousness was gone into his wrists, into his hands.He was one blind, incontinent desire, to kill her.His wrists were bursting, there would be no satisfaction till his hands had closed on her.
But even before his body swerved forward on her, a sudden, cunning comprehension was expressed on her face, and in a flash she was out of the door.She ran in one flash to her room and locked herself in.She was afraid, but confident.She knew her life trembled on the edge of an abyss.But she was curiously sure of her footing.She knew her cunning could outwit him.
She trembled, as she stood in her room, with excitement and awful exhilaration.
She knew she could outwit him.She could depend on her presence of mind, and on her wits.But it was a fight to the death, she knew it now.One slip, and she was lost.She had a strange, tense, exhilarated sickness in her body, as one who is in peril of falling from a great height, but who does not look down, does not admit the fear.
`I will go away the day after tomorrow,' she said.
She only did not want Gerald to think that she was afraid of him, that she was running away because she was afraid of him.She was not afraid of him, fundamentally.She knew it was her safeguard to avoid his physical violence.But even physically she was not afraid of him.She wanted to prove it to him.When she had proved it, that, whatever he was, she was not afraid of him; when she had proved that, she could leave him forever.But meanwhile the fight between them, terrible as she knew it to be, was inconclusive.And she wanted to be confident in herself.However many terrors she might have, she would be unafraid, uncowed by him.He could never cow her, nor dominate her, nor have any right over her; this she would maintain until she had proved it.Once it was proved, she was free of him forever.
But she had not proved it yet, neither to him nor to herself.And this was what still bound her to him.She was bound to him, she could not live beyond him.She sat up in bed, closely wrapped up, for many hours, thinking endlessly to herself.It was as if she would never have done weaving the great provision of her thoughts.
`It isn't as if he really loved me,' she said to herself.`He doesn't.
Every woman he comes across he wants to make her in love with him.He doesn't even know that he is doing it.But there he is, before every woman he unfurls his male attractiveness, displays his great desirability, he tries to make every woman think how wonderful it would be to have him for a lover.His very ignoring of the women is part of the game.He is never unconscious of them.He should have been a cockerel, so he could strut before fifty females, all his subjects.But really, his Don Juan does not interest me.I could play Dona Juanita a million times better than he plays Juan.
He bores me, you know.His maleness bores me.Nothing is so boring, so inherently stupid and stupidly conceited.Really, the fathomless conceit of these men, it is ridiculous -- the little strutters.
`They are all alike.Look at Birkin.Built out of the limitation of conceit they are, and nothing else.Really, nothing but their ridiculous limitation and intrinsic insignificance could make them so conceited.
`As for Loerke, there is a thousand times more in him than in a Gerald.
Gerald is so limited, there is a dead end to him.He would grind on at the old mills forever.And really, there is no corn between the millstones any more.They grind on and on, when there is nothing to grind -- saying the same things, believing the same things, acting the same things.Oh, my God, it would wear out the patience of a stone.
`I don't worship Loerke, but at any rate, he is a free individual.He is not stiff with conceit of his own maleness.He is not grinding dutifully at the old mills.Oh God, when I think of Gerald, and his work -- those offices at Beldover, and the mines -- it makes my heart sick.What have I to do with it -- and him thinking he can be a lover to a woman! One might as well ask it of a self-satisfied lamp-post.These men, with their eternal jobs -- and their eternal mills of God that keep on grinding at nothing!
It is too boring, just boring.However did I come to take him seriously at all!
`At least in Dresden, one will have one's back to it all.And there will be amusing things to do.It will be amusing to go to these eurythmic displays, and the German opera, the German theatre.It will be amusing to take part in German Bohemian life.And Loerke is an artist, he is a free individual.One will escape from so much, that is the chief thing, escape so much hideous boring repetition of vulgar actions, vulgar phrases, vulgar postures.I don't delude myself that I shall find an elixir of life in Dresden.I know I shan't.But I shall get away from people who have their own homes and their own children and their own acquaintances and their own this and their own that.I shall be among people who don't own things and who haven't got a home and a domestic servant in the background, who haven't got a standing and a status and a degree and a circle of friends of the same.Oh God, the wheels within wheels of people, it makes one's head tick like a clock, with a very madness of dead mechanical monotony and meaninglessness.How I hate life, how I hate it.How I hate the Geralds, that they can offer one nothing else.
`Shortlands! -- Heavens! Think of living there, one week, then the next, and then the third --`No, I won't think of it -- it is too much.'
And she broke off, really terrified, really unable to bear any more.
The thought of the mechanical succession of day following day, day following day, ad infinitum, was one of the things that made her heart palpitate with a real approach of madness.The terrible bondage of this tick-tack of time, this twitching of the hands of the clock, this eternal repetition of hours and days -- oh God, it was too awful to contemplate.And there was no escape from it, no escape.
