There was a painless stage of incubation that lasted twenty-five years, and then it broke out on me, and people said I was It.
But they called it humor instead of measles.
The employees in the store bought a silver inkstand for the senior partner on his fiftieth birthday.We crowded into his private office to present it.I had been selected for spokesman, and I made a little speech that I had been preparing for a week.
It made a hit.It was full of puns and epigrams and funny twists that brought down the house--which was a very solid one in the wholesale hardware line.Old Marlowe himself actually grinned, and the employees took their cue and roared.
My reputation as a humorist dates from half-past nine o'clock on that morning.For weeks afterward my fellow clerks fanned the flame of my self-esteem.One by one they came to me, saying what an awfully clever speech that was, old man, and carefully explained to me the point of each one of my jokes.
Gradually I found that I was expected to keep it up.Others might speak sanely on business matters and the day's topics, but from me something gamesome and airy was required.
I was expected to crack jokes about the crockery and lighten up the granite ware with persiflage.I was second bookkeeper, and if Ifailed to show up a balance sheet without something comic about the footings or could find no cause for laughter in an invoice of plows, the other clerks were disappointed.By degrees my fame spread, and I became a local "character." Our town was small enough to make this possible.The daily newspaper quoted me.At social gatherings I was indispensable.
I believe I did possess considerable wit and a facility for quick and spontaneous repartee.This gift I cultivated and improved by practice.And the nature of it was kindly and genial, not running to sarcasm or offending others.People began to smile when they saw me coming, and by the time we had met I generally had the word ready to broaden the smile into a laugh.
I had married early.We had a charming boy of three and a girl of five.Naturally, we lived in a vine-covered cottage, and were happy.
My salary as bookkeeper in the hardware concern kept at a distance those ills attendant upon superfluous wealth.
At sundry times I had written out a few jokes and conceits that Iconsidered peculiarly happy, and had sent them to certain periodicals that print such things.All of them had been instantly accepted.
Several of the editors had written to request further contributions.
One day I received a letter from the editor of a famous weekly publication.He suggested that I submit to him a humorous composition to fill a column of space; hinting that he would make it a regular feature of each issue if the work proved satisfactory.I did so, and at the end of two weeks he offered to make a contract with me for a year at a figure that was considerably higher than the amount paid me by the hardware firm.
I was filled with delight.My wife already crowned me in her mind with the imperishable evergreens of literary success.We had lobster croquettes and a bottle of blackberry wine for supper that night.
Here was the chance to liberate myself from drudgery.I talked over the matter very seriously with Louisa.We agreed that I must resign my place at the store and devote myself to humor.
I resigned.My fellow clerks gave me a farewell banquet.The speech I made there coruscated.It was printed in full by the Gazette.The next morning I awoke and looked at the clock.
"Late, by George!" I exclaimed, and grabbed for my clothes.Louisa reminded me that I was no longer a slave to hardware and contractors'
supplies.I was now a professional humorist.
After breakfast she proudly led me to the little room off the kitchen.
Dear girl! There was my table and chair, writing pad, ink, and pipe tray.And all the author's trappings--the celery stand full of fresh roses and honeysuckle, last year's calendar on the wall, the dictionary, and a little bag of chocolates to nibble between inspirations.Dear girl!
I sat me to work.The wall paper is patterned with arabesques or odalisks or--perhaps--it is trapezoids.Upon one of the figures Ifixed my eyes.I bethought me of humor.
A voice startled me--Louisa's voice.
"If you aren't too busy, dear," it said, "come to dinner."I looked at my watch.Yes, five hours had been gathered in by the grim scytheman.I went to dinner.
"You mustn't work too hard at first," said Louisa."Goethe--or was it Napoleon?--said five hours a day is enough for mental labor.Couldn't you take me and the children to the woods this afternoon?""I am a little tired," I admitted.So we went to the woods.
But I soon got the swing of it.Within a month I was turning out copy as regular as shipments of hardware.
And I had success.My column in the weekly made some stir, and I was referred to in a gossipy way by the critics as something fresh in the line of humorists.I augmented my income considerably by contributing to other publications.
I picked up the tricks of the trade.I could take a funny idea and make a two-line joke of it, earning a dollar.With false whiskers on, it would serve up cold as a quatrain, doubling its producing value.By turning the skirt and adding a ruffle of rhyme you would hardly recognize it as ~vers de societe~ with neatly shod feet and a fashion-plate illustration.
I began to save up money, and we had new carpets, and a parlor organ.
My townspeople began to look upon me as a citizen of some consequence instead of the merry trifier I had been when I clerked in the hardware store.
After five or six months the spontaniety seemed to depart from my humor.Quips and droll sayings no longer fell carelessly from my lips.I was sometimes hard run for material.I found myself listening to catch available ideas from the conversation of my friends.Sometimes I chewed my pencil and gazed at the wall paper for hours trying to build up some gay little bubble of unstudied fun.
