In spite of the exaltation of renunciation,and in spite of the joy of being newly and especially "wanted,"those early September days were sometimes hard for David.Not until he had relinquished all hope of his "start"did he fully realize what that hope had meant to him.
There were times,to be sure,when there was nothing but rejoicing within him that he was able thus to aid the Hollys.
There were other times when there was nothing but the sore heartache because of the great work out in the beautiful world that could now never be done;and because of the unlovely work at hand that must be done.To tell the truth,indeed,David's entire conception of life had become suddenly a chaos of puzzling contradictions.
To Mr.Jack,one day,David went with his perplexities.Not that he told him of the gold-pieces and of the unexpected use to which they had been put--indeed,no.David had made up his mind never,if he could help himself,to mention those gold-pieces to any one who did not already know of them.They meant questions,and the questions,explanations.And he had had enough of both on that particular subject.But to Mr.Jack he said one day,when they were alone together:--"Mr.Jack,how many folks have you got inside of your head?""Eh--what,David?"
David repeated his question and attached an explanation.
"I mean,the folks that--that make you do things."Mr.Jack laughed.
"Well,"he said,"I believe some people make claims to quite a number,and perhaps almost every one owns to a Dr.Jekyll and a Mr.Hyde.""Who are they?"
"Never mind,David.I don't think you know the gentlemen,anyhow.
They're only something like the little girl with a curl.One is very,very good,indeed,and the other is horrid.""Oh,yes,I know them;they're the ones that come to me,"returned David,with a sigh."I've had them a lot,lately."Mr.Jack stared.
"Oh,have you?"
"Yes;and that's what's the trouble.How can you drive them off--the one that is bad,I mean?""Well,really,"confessed Mr.Jack,"I'm not sure I can tell.You see--the gentlemen visit me sometimes.""Oh,do they?"
"Yes."
"I'm so glad--that is,I mean,"amended David,in answer to Mr.
Jack's uplifted eyebrows,"I'm glad that you understand what I'm talking about.You see,I tried Perry Larson last night on it,to get him to tell me what to do.But he only stared and laughed.He didn't know the names of 'em,anyhow,as you do,and at last he got really almost angry and said I made him feel so 'buggy'and 'creepy'that he wouldn't dare look at himself in the glass if Ikept on,for fear some one he'd never known was there should jump out at him."Mr.Jack chuckled.
"Well,I suspect,David,that Perry knew one of your gentlemen by the name of 'conscience,'perhaps;and I also suspect that maybe conscience does pretty nearly fill the bill,and that you've been having a bout with that.Eh?Now,what is the trouble?Tell me about it."David stirred uneasily.Instead of answering,he asked another question.
"Mr.Jack,it is a beautiful world,isn't it?"For a moment there was no,answer;then a low voice replied:--"Your father said it was,David."
Again David moved restlessly.
"Yes;but father was on the mountain.And down here--well,down here there are lots of things that I don't believe he knew about.""What,for instance?"
"Why,lots of things--too many to tell.Of course there are things like catching fish,and killing birds and squirrels and other things to eat,and plaguing cats and dogs.Father never would have called those beautiful.Then there are others like little Jimmy Clark who can't walk,and the man at the Marstons'who's sick,and Joe Glaspell who is blind.Then there are still different ones like Mr.Holly's little boy.Perry says he ran away years and years ago,and made his people very unhappy.Father wouldn't call that a beautiful world,would he?And how can people like that always play in tune?And there are the Princess and the Pauper that you told about.""Oh,the story?"
"Yes;and people like them can't be happy and think the world is beautiful,of course.""Why not?"
"Because they didn't end right.They didn't get married and live happy ever after,you know.""Well,I don't think I'd worry about that,David,--at least,not about the Princess.I fancy the world was very beautiful to her,all right.The Pauper--well,perhaps he wasn't very happy.But,after all,David,you know happiness is something inside of yourself.Perhaps half of these people are happy,in their way.""There!and that's another thing,"sighed David."You see,Ifound that out--that it was inside of yourself--quite a while ago,and I told the Lady of the Roses.But now I--can't make it work myself.""What's the matter?"
"Well,you see then something was going to happen--something that I liked;and I found that just thinking of it made it so that Ididn't mind raking or hoeing,or anything like that;and I told the Lady of the Roses.And I told her that even if it wasn't going to happen she could THINK it was going to,and that that would be just the same,because 't was the thinking that made my hours sunny ones.It wasn't the DOING at all.I said I knew because I hadn't DONE it yet.See?""I--think so,David."
